Ask Iyanla

Dear Iyanla,

I am a 29-year-old teacher married now for four years. I found out my husband views online porn all night. How could this be? We had sex at least twice a day before I found out, so why would he need this? I tried to bury this horrible experience, but I still can't bring myself to love him the way I did. What should I do?

Beloved,

As painful as it is to accept, your husband may like to sex as much as he enjoys engaging in it. And although you and your husband have enjoyed an active sex life, he may have a fear of true intimacy, which he can avoid with pornography. If it is a source of stimulation, you must be open to hearing what his needs are and learning how to support him.

Men are stimulated by what they see, and pornography is visual stimulation. Don't take it personally. For many women it's hard to understand why a partner would desire external stimulation. However, partners must be sensitive to each other's needs and tastes. The difficulty in your situation is not just the pornography--it is also the hiding. And hiding is a form of acting out. There is the possibility that his behavior is a sexual addiction. If this is the case, counseling is a definite requirement. Try to get to the heart of the problem if you want to restore the marriage. Forgive him, and be blessed in your loving!

Dear Iyanla,
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past seven months. He does not believe in God, while I do. He is a perfect gentleman who tells me and shows me he loves me. We have discussed the idea of marriage, but marrying him could create complications later. I truly love him, but I just can't get past this. Heaven help us.

Beloved,

While you say that he does not believe in God, I would offer that this may not be true. Remember that God is love. If you believe that your truly loves you, and you love this man and believe that he has been sent into your life as your partner, the focus of your inquiry may need to shift. Is he a good man? Does he honor his mother? Does he know how to please you? Is he willing to try? To learn? To grow? If you've answered yes to all or any of these inquiries, then ask yourself if you can love and accept him just as he is knowing that he may never change his beliefs. Your response will be more than enough to point you toward the right path. Faith, worship and knowledge of God are as much in our hearts as they are in a building. In fact, it must be in our hearts in order for us to leave the building with something worthwhile. I encourage you to pray daily and your heart will receive an answer. When you do, resist the temptation to ask for another, more comfortable answer. I stand with you knowing that there is no failure in love.